80 (Mostly Sarcastic) Thoughts I Had Watching “To The Bone”

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  1. Movie starts off with Ellen writing “Suck my skinny balls” in art therapy. Love the way things are getting off to a brooding, angsty start already.
  2. Ellen and her sister are literally playing something called the “calorie game,” in which Ellen counts the calories of everything. Not sure why her sister is enabling such a weird fucked up game. Also most people with ED’s who count calories don’t play public games about it.
  3. Why is Ellen’s stepmom taking a “skinny” picture of her to attempt to show her how thin she is? When does that ever work? And what kind of weird parent takes pictures of her emaciated child to show someone probably with body dysmorphia she is too skinny?
  4. This movie is HEAVY in stereotypes here- the big clothes, the body hair (lanugo), someone asking Ellen about her emaciated self, “Do you think this is beautiful?” UGH.
  5. Dr. Beckham, Keanu Reeves, aka KR, is super hot and exchanging a weirdly flirty look with Ellen. On a human level, KR and Lily Collins are both super attractive and I get the sexual tension. In the context of this movie this is really weird and unethical, and I feel super uncomfortable.
  6. Now KR is checking out Ellen’s back bones while she’s in a hospital gown. So… he’s a psychiatrist who is doing a physical exam? What kind of doctor is this dude? I’ll tell you- it’s a doctor who doesn’t exist. No doctor does psychiatry with a little internal medicine on the side. But for now let’s go with it I guess.
  7. Why are there so many views of spines and protruding bones?? Like we get it she is skinny. Like scarily emaciated. Can we stop seeing pictures of this girl’s bones now??
  8. KR is saying some weird ass stuff: “I’m not going to treat you if you’re not interested in living.” Pretty sure doctors have ethical obligations to help people not die. Tbh sometimes people are treated for their own benefit without necessarily wanting to live. Also many people go back and forth about whether they want to get better, and they go through the motions of recovery anyway.
  9. I do appreciate the portrayal of the stepmom’s stupid comments, such as a cake in the shape of a hamburger that says, “Eat Up, Ellen.” Something similar happened to me and it was mortifying.tothebone
  10. There is so much dark brooding music in this movie. Why so much unnecessary angst? We get it. Ellen’s angsty.
  11. Now Ellen is entering treatment. I have a lot of questions about this treatment center, but I’ll start with this one- who is paying for this?? No discussion of money or insurance, which is always part of the picture unless someone is seriously loaded (ED tx is $$$$$$).
  12. Interesting how many people are seeking the “best” “unconventional” doctor and somehow have access to that level of care… No discussion of how many people DON’T have any treatment coverage whatsoever. The movie is clear: We are talking about people with serious privilege. Not just Ellen… anybody who is at this treatment center.
  13. Also this doctor is the “best” presumably because he is unconventional… where is the discourse around evidence-based treatment and actual treatment methods that WORK? Flirty, waterfall-going, existentially-empty doctors who run unsupervised programs are not generally go-to treatment options for young adults who are pretty much dying.
  14. Ellen meets a British guy named Lucas, and he is giving her a tour around the treatment center because apparently in this treatment center there is no staff (begging the question of why any normal human being or insurance company would pay for this).
  15. Note the fact that everyone is really preppy looking and white minus Lucas and one black girl. Talk about playing into the lack of diversity eating disorder stereotype….
  16. This group therapy session… just, ugh. Ellen traumatizes a poor girl by telling her how many calories are in her tube feed. There is so much wrong with this whole scene. Also in real life no one would EVER be allowed to talk about something like that in an eating disorder group therapy session. EVER. There are things called group guidelines.
  17. Did the therapist just tell a client matter-of-factly, “Now you’re thinking about how to burn it off,” in the middle of group IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?? Unspoken rule #15 for eating disorder therapists: Don’t suggest or infer the presence of ED thoughts/ behaviors in front of other people. If I learned I just gained weight at my dietitian’s office and she said, “Now you’re thinking about how to lose that weight,” I would tell her to fuck off. Then I would leave the session and never come back.
  18. No one here seems to be struggling with anything besides starving, purging, and being underweight… with the exception of the poor black girl who was probably thrown into this movie without any character context for the sake of artificially promoting diversity.
  19. At this treatment center people eat whatever they want apparently. You just need to gain weight and they don’t care how you get there?? What the actual fuck. Who cares how you get there? Everyone does!! What the hell, that’s why you’re in TREATMENT. I guess someone could binge to a normal weight (been there), but that is NOT normal.
  20. I kind of want to slap Ellen. She’s being really annoying. Not because she has an eating disorder but because her over-the-top brooding angst and smug superiority is just pissing me off.
  21. Also I’ve never seen anyone so smug and superior on day #1 of treatment. On day #1 of one of my treatment stays I was having panic attacks left and right. This is so unrealistic.
  22. For a movie that’s supposed to be about recovery and not food, there are sure a lot of food scenes in this movie….
  23. People can’t just leave the table in the middle of mealtime. Why is there no supervision for these clients??
  24. The black girl is just sitting at the table eating peanut butter. Not exactly normal eating, but she is also sitting there looking like she wants to stab everyone in the room. Same, girl, same.
  25. All they talk about is getting each other laxatives, purging, weight, and people being fat. What a waste of allocated resources. Who the fuck would pay for this IRL??
  26. KR shows up at Ellen’s bedroom at night to make a house call. What is even happening right now? What psychiatrist-turned-internist-turned makes a night house call just cuz???? My psychiatrist sees me for 15 minutes every 3 months. This is sketchy AF.
  27. This facility is everyone just feeding off of each other’s disorders. “Unconventional” is one way of putting it. Another way is super fucked up, disordered, or a facility that needs to be shut down. They are legit giving each other tips, triggering each other, and calling Emma Stone fat. How is there nobody calling them on this?
  28. KR is now a family therapist. And he’s a HORRIBLE family therapist. Like seriously awful.
  29. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY THERAPY SESSION. I literally can’t.
  30. KR lets Ellen’s family talk over each other while Ellen is sitting there looking like a romantic, tragic ghost *I take my 415th eye roll of the movie.*
  31. Kelly, the sister, is the only normal person in this entire movie besides the black girl. Actress who plays Kelly, props for showing actual emotion and having a 3D character.
  32. No one says “rexy” for anorexic. Right?? Please let’s not start saying that. I can’t take it.
  33. Ellen uses family therapy as an excuse not to eat and everyone exchanges a knowing glance. The undertone being that people with ED’s have messed up families. Playing on stereotypes again….
  34. Question: Is anyone getting medically monitored in this place? I’ve seen no blood draws, no IV’s, and these clients are acting out like crazy.
  35. Trying to scare people into eating to avoid dying is a huge part of this movie, and that just doesn’t work.
  36. The whole scene with Lucas kinda sexually trying to get Ellen to eat a chocolate bar is weirding me out. It sounds like chocolate is getting them to semi-orgasm. Has anyone who created this movie ever seen someone with an eating disorder try to eat????? It’s not like that. It may involve tears or panic attacks but certainly no orgasmic expressions of how good food tastes.
  37. Lucas is trying to force Ellen to eat, which I guess is good because no staff is ever there, and no one else seems to care she’s not eating.
  38. KR just says, “We’re never doing family therapy again. That was a shit show.” I saw that family therapy session and tbh, I think part of the shit-show nature of the family therapy has to do with the fact that KR is an AWFUL family therapist. AWFUL.
  39. KR literally just told Ellen her name seems old fashioned and that she should change it. Um WHAT??!!?? What psychiatrist/ internist/ family therapist tells a client to change her name????
  40. Ellen is Eli now. Just… whatever.
  41. Eli and Lucas pretend to have cancer and be in hospice to get free alcohol. In the meantime, Lucas tells the waitress she is chewing and spitting because of her chemo. I don’t even know what to say here… Is this supposed to be this coming of age moment that they’re out in the community and free and shit? This is a really sick way of doing that.
  42. A client mentioned her mother took her to a Holocaust museum to feel guilty about starving. That’s what you got out of seeing the Holocaust museum??
  43. KR is taking the clients to a waterfall in the dark, and they all start dancing in it. It becomes some artsy music video of dancing in a waterfall being alive. What is happening right now….
  44. Also why would a psychiatrist/ internist/ family therapist/ individual therapist would taking a bunch of teens to a waterfall in the dark alone….
  45. Is this guy still getting billed $200/ hour for dancing in a waterfall?
  46. Asking for a friend.
  47. This waterfall scene is weird as hell and I have no idea how this has to do with anything. Is the indication that waterfalls and knowing you’re alive heals eating disorders? Because that’s just not true. At all.
  48. Eli decides to eat a chocolate bar in the most eating disordered way ever by cutting it into small pieces and eating one small piece. People are giving her props though?
  49. Lucas: “Did somebody touch you as a kid or something?” That’s a great way to bring up past trauma.
  50. Lucas and Eli can’t be making out right now.
  51. Wait they’re making out right now.
  52. Are you fucking kidding me??
  53. Who falls in love in eating disorder treatment? I’m sorry, but I know a lot of people with ED’s, and that’s not really an option usually. HIGHLY unrealistic. Also Lucas is possibly in love with Eli after they’ve known each other for what, 2 days??
  54. I will say, the scene about the miscarriage is sad. Followed by the ridiculous comment by another unsupervised client, “Can you push a baby out by throwing up too hard?” Face palm.
  55. Eli keeps getting weighed in this dramatic way, and the staff is letting her see her weight. When does that ever happen in treatment? Treatment weight is almost always done facing away. I still don’t look at my weight years after my last treatment stay- it’s not something I need to know.
  56. Eli amping up her empathy about Megan’s miscarriage: “That baby was never going to make it.” Eli, stfu. For the record, at least Megan has eaten more than one bite of chocolate this entire movie.
  57. KR is now Eli’s individual therapist as well- so we have 4 disciplines going on here. Regardless of this alone being professionally irresponsible, Eli starts asking about KR’s life like all healthy therapy relationships start… and KR answers. KR says he is practically married to his work. Eli tells him, “Sounds like you’re avoiding intimacy doctor.” I just can’t right now. I think I said that earlier but I really can’t now.
  58. KR is saying some bullshit about how there is no point of life and Eli knows what to do and “stop waiting for life to be easy.” KR is the kind of therapist who gets training by watching Dr. Phil one time. He is also the kind of therapist who nobody ever sees because glib sayings and boundary-less, unethical therapy doesn’t happen in the real world.
  59. Eli runs away from treatment, ditching her friend Lucas, who says he needs her and just professed his love for her last night. To be fair, I’d run away from that treatment center too, but for different reasons.
  60. KR, being the super ethical and great doctor he is, let’s Eli run off saying, “For Eli the bottom is critical.” Tbh, for many the bottom is death. But guess he’s cool with her taking that chance?
  61. Eli ends up staying with her mom, who thinks she should feed Eli with a bottle and rock and cradle her because Eli’s mom had postpartum depression when she was born, and Eli missed out??
  62. This is hilarious, her mom is crazy.
  63. But wait, hold on, Eli wants to be fed with the bottle. The mom pulls out the baby bottle, full of rice milk.
  64. Holy shit this is happening.
  65. The camera fades out as Eli is in her mom’s arms being fed by a bottle.
  66. I feel like I’m on drugs. What is happening??
  67. Eli walks in the moonlight and starts a trippy dream sequence that I don’t understand. I guess the point of this is that Eli finally realizes she’s dying because she sees herself below the tree with all her bones sticking out. I understand this is supposed to be a formative scene in the movie, but all I can’t take it seriously. This movie is so strange. It lacks substance, depth, any semblance of professional respect, and Eli just got fed with a baby bottle. No, I’m not over that.
  68. Also the “baby feeding” thing NEVER happens. Okay, there was the Peggy Claude-Pierre book that terrified me as a freshman in college, but nobody does that anymore (I hope).
  69. What is with this movie and bones?? I know, I know you’re skinny!! I know, it’s called, “To The Bone.” I don’t know how the movie producers can realize that not everyone with anorexia has visible bones! In fact, most don’t. The constant protruding bone imagery is not only inaccurate but triggering and frustrating.
  70. Then all of a sudden Eli wakes up from the moon/ tree sequence. Eli proceeds to hug everyone in her family, and she goes back to treatment… I guess ready to get better suddenly?
  71. Wait, so last night you got fed by your mom in a baby bottle, passed out while hiking, and had a trippy dream sequence and got healed??
  72. Please don’t tell me the movie ended.
  73. The movie ended.
  74. Are you kidding me?
  75. What did I just watch for the last hour and a half?
  76. Dear God, I hope nobody thinks having an eating disorder is anything like that, or that treatment is anything like that.
  77. This movie has gotten a lot of positive press through reviews and feedback from Sundance. WHYYYYYYY??????
  78. *screams into the abyss*
  79. Breathe. It’s okay. You’re okay. People are hopefully going to realize that this is not what the normative eating disorder experience is like. Even though there are some attributes of truth, “To The Bone” has so much gross inaccuracy, as well as triggering imagery and trite, unrealistic therapeutic discourse.
  80. This is so sad. Guys, we really need to make a good movie about eating disorders. 
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The One About Graduating

I have been reluctant to write this post ever since I graduated last Sunday. My excuses are justified: I have been working and tired, so, so tired after a whirlwind 16-month program. Notwithstanding legitimate excuses, something was still holding me back.

Completing a master’s program connotes mastery, a feat of monumental importance… as if I have mastered social work. Mastery seems more fitting of an engineering project, a new drug that will benefit others, something more tangible perhaps, something less messy.

There is nothing about social work that is clean and simple.

In my program, I learned of deep systemic issues that are nearly impossible to penetrate. I spent nearly 1000 hours interning at a nonprofit agency working with mentally ill individuals, their families, and the community. I fell in love with working with these people and with this work.

Echoed over and over again was the sentiment, Why do things have to be this way?

My only possible response was (and is) silence.

I can’t tell people why their lives were interrupted by mental illness in the primes of their college days.

I can’t tell someone who was abused in an old school mental hospital decades ago why he or she was treated that way.

I can’t wave a magic wand and find solutions to life’s most horrifying social issues.

Knowledge is a dangerous, subversive thing. Once you know something, you can’t go back. I started my social work program, frankly, for the reputation and versatility of the degree, and I have come out with more questions and a deep understanding of the brokenness that exists on every level of humanity. As a “master of social work,” I don’t want to celebrate my accomplishments as much as utilize what I’ve learned to help others.

Social workers have the reputation of having bleeding hearts and wanting to change the world. Tapping into life’s brokenness perhaps somewhat explains the high burn out rate in the profession. “Changing the world” as a blanket, lofty goal is too abstract to implement. So, for this blog post, I am only going to talk about changing the world with respect to myself and my own sphere of influence.

I want to work with mental illness (eventually eating disorders) and address social issues that arise within that context… but if you have read my blog at all, you know that I have felt deep pain and suffering, and I am deeply attuned to that constant struggle. Healing from said pain is an ongoing process. I feel odd to be in a helping profession when that negative inner voice whispers, You’re not good enough to do much of anything, much less be of help to others. I have fought that persistent little voice of inadequacy for so long, but it keeps coming back, much like a whack a mole game at an arcade.

Changing the world is one thing.

Changing myself is another thing entirely.

I was reminded by the student commencement speaker at my graduation ceremony that we in helping professions are ALL wounded healers (Henri Nouwen’s concept). No one is impervious to the systemic, individual, familial, or societal pain of a fallen world. Social workers, as well as every other human being, are wounded. The question is: what do we do with woundedness?

What am I going to do with my woundedness? 

I am going to advocate for those with debilitating mental illness. I strive to eradicate eating disorders. I fight so that every person with a mental illness can get adequate, respectful, humane treatment. I want to write about my struggles with an eating disorder and anxiety. I want to change the way people see mental illness. I want to do that all because I have suffered.

Compassion is seriously lacking in this world. Machines cannot replace human love and affection. For all of us, and especially for people in the world who are most vulnerable, compassion is exactly what is needed. There is something sacred and humbling about standing in solidarity with those in their darkest moments. Compassion can be the healing ointment that soothes the oozing sores that arise in this scary, painful, dark, lovely, sometimes horrifying, strange world.

So going back to the beginning of this post, yes, I have graduated with a degree so that I can work in a helping profession. That has meant a lot of things. I have become a “master” in using CBT to treat anxiety disorders. I have become a “master” at using the DSM-5. I may be a “master” in the field of social work.

But I have not become a “master” in understanding the human condition, human suffering, or the solution to social problems. Nor could I be. What I do know is that I can empathize with others because I have suffered. I can hold on to difficult, complicated issues because I have felt the full spectrum of human emotions myself. I love others and treat them with dignity because I have been loved.

I am privileged to receive an advanced degree in the first place. I don’t discount that. But a degree is only a degree. I need to be continually taking deep, hard looks at myself before I start changing the world.